Am I too fucked to write?

I do, I do have a million thoughts all over and I do run out of people to share with, but I can’t write. My brain speaks out 1000 thoughts per minute and I stay on none. I am too fidgety to hold on to one thought. I never have I perhaps never will. It is being like a kid with attention deficit. God knows I am unable to do my office work because I am so random. Random! Random is my word.

But isn’t it everyone else’s? Does not everyone get a trail of thoughts and then all they do is switch from one thought to another. Trust me with my kind of personality it is difficult to get things in order. And this is reflected in everything, my hair—never made up – clean though, my work table .I almost feel something is wrong if it is clean.

I am at a very fragile point in life. Like everyone is. I am battling. Battling severely, and like a great human who fights cancer or war, my fight is none of this. It is very ordinary. It is like everyone else. I just perhaps have too much time to ponder on it. I am battling with my existence.

And I am so unable to deal with it. I am a person of privilege. I like to call my fights as struggles. Trust me they are nothing as compared to what people have gone through. I had come up to believe that my battle to take a stand of my life choices is huge ill luck that I have fought and come out as brave. But the truth is that I have had privileged battles. Mind you!

And by the time I am here, my mind has already begun to travel.

Why? Why do I keep doing this? Why can’t I focus on things that are really there to sort? Why do I wander and let things happen without doing anything about them?

There is an epic battle in my mind right now, which is like am I controlling my life or my life is controlling me? Have I ever done everything in my life or Life just happened to me? Has anything happened to me because of my decisions or is this how things were supposed to be? And if at all things were supposed to be the way they are then who am I really kidding? Should I even try and do things some other way?